February 10, 2010 Ben

..hope you don’t mind

Can’t really tell if it’s the weather or just this week but so far I’ve had a pretty rough time keeping it together.  Can’t really focus.. don’t want to do anything but sleep and just a general ‘not caring’ feeling about everything.  I think I’ll be glad when it’s warmer and I can get out more.  Also don’t really feel like going into detail about my feelings right now just wanted a place where I can talk about them, even if it is to myself.  I guess I get this way every now and then but it seems to hit harder and harder each time it comes around.  Dunno know how to really describe it other than just being sad.  I’ve had friends over and hung out with people.. seems to fix it for a while, then it returns.  Maybe it’s just how cold and miserable it is outside right now.

Been thinking a lot about the past.. seems full of mistakes and uncorrectable errors.  Had a dream last night that I could travel back in time and fix the problems that brought me to this place.  I was disappointed when I woke to find the same old thing.  How often will i keep making the wrong choices and hitting this dead end?  Getting too old to keep trying over again and honestly I have stopped giving a damn about it.  Seems I’m just sinking more and more into contentment of being alone and I’m not sure how to go about changing that.  Maybe I should go back to church again. I was happy then and these dark episodes didn’t seem to frequent me as much.  I find it hard to believe that God would wish this anyone.  Why does He choose me for this pain and suffering?  It’s like I’m teased with good times only to turn to the same place every time.  What am I doing repeatedly wrong?

I don’t want any comments or suggestions on this post.  I don’t want to talk about it or hear anyone suggest that “someone’s out there” bullshit.  That’s what it is… plain and simple.  You’re lucky if you can find someone.. I’m happy some people have.  I haven’t been able to hold on to a person successfully and I’m tired of trying.  Tired of giving a shit… just plain tired.  Well that’s my rant for the night.  I’m going to do the trash, like I typically do on Wednesday and then I’m going to lay in bed and get a good night’s sleep.

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