just a little blurb..

March 23, 2011
Posted in General
March 23, 2011 Ben

just a little blurb..

Several years ago my grandfather passed away due to complications resulting from a stroke.  A couple of years after that my father suffered one as well and left him a little different than the man I knew.  My father recovered very well for the hardship of going through such a horrible thing and I’m so proud of him and his progress.  He is a great man and I love him with all my heart.  It seems that I am destined to one day suffer the same problem and it worries me that I won’t recover as well as he did.  I know I may have some years ahead of me before I have to worry about it, but it’s always in the back of my mind.  I see someone be it on tv or from my own life that has suffered through a stroke and it really deeply saddens me.  I wonder if when I do have one if anyone will find me.. where will I be and will anyone really get to me in time before serious damage occurs.  I suppose my greatest fear is that I’ll be a different person and not understand what’s going on in my life or recognize the people around me.  I think that would be a fate worse than death.  I wonder if God would forgive me for killing myself if that ever happened.  Is there any circumstances that would allow me to end my life if I’m not the same person.  Would I even know or be able to communicate my wishes?  I regret not being able to make it to see my grandpa before he passed away.  The stroke came quick and I couldn’t traverse so many miles fast enough before he left this world.  I remember his funeral, remember what he looked like in the coffin and remember being a pallbearer.  I just wish I could have said good-bye.  I try to take death with a bit of optimism these days knowing that I will see him and the people I’ve lost again.  I wonder if time matters in heaven.  I wonder if when I get there if he’ll know how much not having him in my life affected me.  I think he will.  I think we’ll be glad to see each other again.

I know after he passed I would have dreams about him.  In my dreams we talked and sometimes I dream that he never really passed away and has been here.  I wonder if that’s his way of checking in on me.  He was always really proud of me and I think he knew how much I love him.  I will see him again and I look forward to that day.  Until then, I’ll try to live my life as if he’s still with me and try to make him the proudest grandpa in heaven.  I still cry from time to time.. especially around the holidays, but there will be a day when I cry no more.

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