March 14, 2011 Ben

rhythm of the night..

Just recently started listening to this song “Rhythm of the Night” covered by Scott Winstanley on youtube.  It was originally sang by Corona in the 90’s.  I guess hearing the song done acoustically and slowly takes me back to that time in my life, but allows me to reflect without listening to the original song.  In many ways the song’s history describes my life.  In the 90’s it was active, exciting and full of energy.  When Scott covered the song he put his own touch on this song and calmed it down. Made it more real and more appropriate to me at my current age.  One part of the song refers to holding someone’s hand and I think to myself that it’s been a long time since I did that.  I hug people all the time, but haven’t kissed someone romantically in years.  Haven’t held someone’s hand that I loved and cared for just as long.  I love having friends, family, and a successful business, but it seems I’m lacking something in my life.  I know what it is, but at the same time it’s hard for me to remedy this need.  Maybe it’s fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, or fear of ending up with someone I resent.   I’ve been hurt in the past and have hurt others in return.  Perhaps I’m tired of trying or the wasted time that comes from a failed relationship.

I was told tonight that I’m too picky.. I wonder if there’s some truth in that.  I guess at my age I can’t afford to be picky and me dating younger people may just seem creepy to most.  I’m not really sure.. I guess I’ve become picky because I really don’t want to waste time on someone who I know I’m not going to be happy with.  Maybe I’m seeking perfection in something that doesn’t exist.  Maybe there’s no one out there that’s perfect for me or matches me 100%.  Perhaps I should just settle for a companion and except being miserable with someone rather than miserable without someone.  I’m not sure which is better.  For the past 2 years now I’ve pretty much remained single with occasional dates or visits to the single sites which almost always lead to me canceling my membership and to dates with people I have no business or interest in being with.  Perhaps that’s what I see so much in this song.

“You could put some joy upon my face.. sun shine in an empty place” – I suppose that describes what I’m looking for, but seems to be just out of reach for me.  Maybe I should stop trying at all.  Just give up.  Nothing wrong with being single is there?  I know it’s not socially acceptable or the norm, but then when have I ever claimed to be normal?



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