This past week was a very trying time in my life.. I was confronted with some very difficult truths and was forced to make some choices about my future. Futures with my girlfriend, my current living arrangements, and the direction of my life. They all seemed to approach at the same time and it put me in a very bad place for a while. I realized that I put my heart on my sleeve much of the time and it’s sometimes easy for me to get hurt far worse than I can imagine. Sometimes when everything falls apart in my life it becomes easy for me to think about giving up, but it’s at those times when I need to push myself back from staring at one particular time of my life and look at the bigger picture. I felt that last week I was living in a bad dream and the only thing I wanted to do was wake up. I’ve only felt that way twice in my entire life. I realize that much of the time I expose too much of my emotions to the world, but I suppose when you’re a romantic like me, it’s the risk I take.
I made a choice to move in with my sister last week and give up on living alone. I have been living in this one place for seven years of my life and most of that time I have been by myself. Going through hard times completely alone is too much for anyone to handle. Yes, I have people I can talk to, but texting someone isn’t the same as having them right there when you need them. I know that my sister can provide me with the social interaction I need in my life and I can do the same for her since she also lives alone. I will miss this place though.. I have a lot of good and bad memories that were made here, but I think for my own mental well being, it’s time to move on.
I had a big hiccup in my relationship this week too.. it’s mainly what prompted the moving decision, but also forced me to see myself in a new light. I will now try to regain some of my self reliance in the emotion department. Since one of my closest friends moved away I have been feeling more and more detached from the world. I relied on my girlfriend and close friend for all my support. I suppose I didn’t think to include my sister in this support system, but having her nearby will change that. It also wouldn’t be a bad idea for me to start connecting with new people instead of burdening such a small group with all my problems.
I also had a difficult week in my business life.. I have been tossing back and forth the idea that maybe running my own business isn’t the greatest thing for me. Maybe I should get out there and find a job since starting my business hasn’t exactly made me the richest person in the world. I know that shouldn’t matter too much to me and to be quite frankly it really doesn’t, however I can see that it might be important to someone I plan to be with for the rest of my life. Money is one of those things that always worries and demoralizes me. I see people making far more than I do and sometimes it brings in to question my self-worth. I wish I didn’t have to worry about how much of these little green papers I have. I guess my question would be.. should I keep trying to make my business successful or give in and join the rest of society by working at a job and doing the same thing over and over again until the end of existence. I will say that at least with my business there are days where I have a variety of things to do.
Well.. like this week, I’m going to end this entry. I end this week with the feelings of timidness, slight worry, and the concern about my future Not a great way to end an entry or a week, but sometimes in life you have to push through the bad and hope that the good on the other side really exists. I’m betting on yes.